I’m just going to come right out and say it. Sometimes, it’s okay to be fake. In fact, sometimes it’s nice and sometimes it’s necessary. There are people who we just don’t like. Sometimes it’s just personality conflicts, but sometimes it’s that the person is just kind of a bitch.
***disclaimer*** I was watching the movie Christmas Vacation last night with my family and all I could think was, damn it if only Clark Griswold would say what was really on his mind, and set up some boundaries, he wouldn’t have lost his shit and his family wouldn’t be suffering. I mean look at the old people in this movie- they said what was on their minds! So in all fairness, we definitely need to find respectful ways to give people boundaries and be okay with that too. They’re totally necessary, even with family.
Back to being fake though…
I wanna talk about grudges. I love the band Tool and so I implore you to read the wisdom of Maynard, who is so misunderstood. I’ll be quoting him and the song The Grudge all the way through this blog. to start:
“Wear the grudge like a crown/ negativity calculate what we will/ Will not tolerate/ desperate to control all and everything / unable to forgive the Scarlet letter men.”
For the record I don’t know what the scarlet letter man is so if you know please enlighten me. I assume it’s the assholes we hold grudges against. But I think the rest of the lyrics can sum up what I’m trying to get at. Grudges are these heavy stones we clutch onto in a desperate attempt to prove to ourselves and possibly the world around us that THEY are wrong (and assholes) and WE are right (and perfect little angels).
“Clutch it like a cornerstone/otherwise it all comes down/
justify denials and grip them to the lonesome end.”
It doesn’t work that way. We don’t live in a vacuum and I’m sorry to say we’re as flawed as those assholes who are, uh, assholes to us. All grudges do is cause us to sink deeper into the sea of negativity, serving no one and least of all ourselves. If you think about it, they actually push people away from us, and not only the ones we hold grudges against but possibly the innocent bystander who has to sit around and listen to you bitch and moan about this awful human being.
Doesn’t make us very fun, now does it?
“Wear the grudge like a crown/desperate to control/ unable to forgive/ and sinking deeper. Defining. Confining. Controlling. And we’re sinking deeper.”
YES thank you Maynard! Grudges are so confining! We confine ourselves in this limited space of contraction with anger and resentment and bitterness. And that defines us more than it does the other person. That allows these people to control our thoughts and behaviors and patterns. Grudges make us so heavy and we sink into a crappy lower vibration. They refuse to let us see and recognize the humanity in people, and that creates a lack of compassion. Being compassionate towards someone does NOT mean we have to like them, it just means we understand that they have shortcomings just like us.
Yes, us! We’re not perfect, either, in case you didn’t know!
When I don’t like someone I go straight into avoidance. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to talk to them, I don’t want to see anything from their perspective because it’s different from mine. But sometimes these people are just a fact of our lives. They might be family or friends of family, co workers, our boss. They might be exes that we share children with. Somehow we have to learn to get along because they aren’t going anywhere. But difficult people or annoying people or narcissistic people (or whatever labels we choose for them) often times serve as teachers and a reflection of qualities within ourselves we choose to ignore (cuz you’ve never been difficult or annoying or narcissistic, right?).
“Saturn comes back around to show you everything/
Let’s you choose what you will not see and then/
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again/
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent… and sinking deeper!
to CONSUME you till you choose to LET THIS GO.”
This is where the validity of being fake comes in. Ask yourself this, why am I so angry or irritated towards this person? It may not even have anything to do with them. Am I ignoring possible ways that I may have harmed someone or simply annoyed them or turned them off? Who is this really hurting? How is this dragging me down? More importantly where can I create space to see a different perspective so I can work towards personal growth instead of contracting and dividing?
I’m starting to think that being fake is just kind of one of the ways we have to get along in life sometimes. I don’t care too much what people think of me. I mean, it does sting a little when I can tell that someone doesn’t like me, but I just tell my little ego to step back and remember, I can’t please ’em all so fuck it. If I live in true authenticity of who I really am and someone doesn’t like me, that’s okay cuz there’s people who live in true authenticity of who they are and I don’t particularly care for them either.
And sometimes I don’t even really like myself, so fine, I get it.
Being authentic to our true selves is one of the most important things that we can do but there are cases where we have to swallow our pride, stop listening to our egos for a second, and smile (barf) at those people who make us insane, maybe just because they said something offensive like two months ago and you’re still fuming over it (doesn’t that sound silly?!), or because they constantly try to cause drama in your life(operative word is try, I don’t have to let them), or they text your husband calling you names I wouldn’t repeat even on this blog, trying to add fuel to a fire that they created out of bitterness and jealousy. (k, that was really specific and blameful, Erica.)
Maybard’s final piece of advice:
“Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and
Transmutate this cold and fated anchor
Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and
Transmutate these leaden grudges into gold
Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go”
(whoever the fuck said Tool was negative I wanna show them this and see if they still agree)
There are times where we just will never agree with a person and I have learned that that’s OK. It’s OK to not be friends with every single person we come in contact with. We can’t possibly have the same outlook on the world as every single person and trying to fit in everywhere is exhausting. It’s OK to protect your valuable energetic field from people who you feel pollute it. It’s called boundaries and those are totally necessary. Sometimes that’s the protection we need from people who truly harm us or are just plain toxic. Just understand that this is a judgement (ego) and we could be wrong about them. And we need to also reflect on times where maybe we act as a toxic person just to, you know, keep the universe fair and stuff.
But we can, and should let that go of blame because holding onto a grudge against them doesn’t do shit to them. But it sure as shit fucks up our day. And honestly, if they’re that rotten, they’d be happy to see our day fucked up (or our jobs lost, or marriage ruined). So really happiness and letting go is the best “revenge”.
Negative talk about these people also contributes to stoking the fire and in that we create our own hell. If they want to start the fire by calling you names, let them. Remember, it doesn’t have anything to do with you. We make the choice to participate or not. Hurting people hurt people. A moment of reflection- where do I hurt and where have I hurt people?
When I’ve let go of talking negatively about people I don’t like, I have found that I create more space for understanding and for loving the people who are around me instead. I also start to see my own shit and create more self compassion which translates to compassion for everyone, even for people I perceive as shitty.
Doesn’t that just sound better than being pissy about somebody all the time and complaining about them?
So, when you have to come in contact with this person who is an ass blank to you, smile and be fake. Why not? Life’s too short to carry around the weight of hate. (Haha that rhymes) Maybe this fakeness will cause them to get even more angry and they’ll say, “ugh she is SO fake!” Keep strong with that fake ass smile and bite your tongue because who knows, maybe it will start to put out the fire. There’s so much anger in the world as it is why add to it?
It’s like wearing a life jacket for white water rafting. You wear that as protection in rough water, just in case, but don’t cling to it and let it be your own life saving skill. You may have to swim, too, so you need to work on those swimming skills. And when you get off the boat, take it off and live your life. We don’t have to cover our hearts with armor all the time. There are good people past all the shitty ones, I mean just look at us, perfect as can be, right?
I hate cliches, but holding onto anger and grudges really is like holding onto a hot coal and expecting the other person to get burned. Let’s just let this shit go okay? And create a better world. For the kids, if no one else.