#imonlyhuman

DSC_0101Lately I have been struggling with this idea of boundaries. In the yoga world, there is all this chatter about being one with everyone and how we are all the same and, on this path, together and forgiveness and truth. All this does to me is cause insecurities about myself as a yoga practitioner and teacher and wonder how I am operating from ego instead of truth in order to find a common ground with people I don’t particularly care for. It makes me feel like I have to be friends with everyone, including people who have hurt me and actively seek to cause me pain.

But sometimes I don’t want to find common ground. What about cases of abuse? Am I supposed to smile and chat with people who have been abusive to me in the past when I see them as if nothing had ever transpired? Am I supposed to smile and let these people who have hurt me just stomp all over my boundaries so that I can save face for the sake of peace? Does that seem fair?

After discovering yoga years ago and doing a lot of self-reflection, I apologized to a some of the people I hurt in the past, with good responses from them but things weren’t the same. I had to accept that my actions against them took their toll and while they may be ok to have me on social media and be friendly from afar, that didn’t’ mean that they wanted to hang out in the same capacity as we did before. Those are the consequences I suffer from my own actions. I even have tried to connect with friends from high school if I see them pop up on my feed and with no response. I have no other option but to chalk it up to I did something shitty in high school, or maybe they don’t feel like they relate to me anymore or just don’t want to and move on with my life.

Above all, I have to respect the fact that maybe they just don’t like me.

Ouch, but that is a harsh reality of life. Not everyone is going to like me even if I’m nice as hell to them. For whatever reason they have, they just may flat out not like me. Tough pill to swallow, but I choose to not be creepy.

There are a few people I can think of who really hurt me and show no remorse for their actions. They don’t even acknowledge their actions nor have they ever given a sincere apology. I get it-we’re all human with our own shit we’re hopefully working on. But there are some so shallow and fake I can’t get on board of their bandwagon. They may be able to swindle others, but my bullshit meter is finely tuned. If I’ve seen them in action, then that makes my meter go off the chart and creates an even bigger aversion towards them. With some people it’s an energetic feeling I get that I shouldn’t trust them because of these people from my past.

I’ve also been trying to swallow this “just stay positive” pill for years everyone seems to want to shove down our throats and lately I have been thinking that staying positive about things, like situations or people, can actually be dangerous.

Like this one guy I dated. Totally mentally and emotionally abusive. The last trip we took he literally threatened to hit me in the casino we were staying at in Vegas because I had booked a flight home the next day. I did that because of how nasty he got with me the night before. This was three years coming. Three years of back and forth manipulations and abuse. He left a message on my phones saying, “I don’t know why you’re doing this, I have done nothing wrong.”

That. That right there- I have done nothing wrong. After all I was put through, that sure indicates one sick individual. I still deal with the trauma to this day. I am “over it” for the most part, but there are certain things that trigger me. I have forgiven him, I’m not really mad about it anymore, but for my own protection I have told him to stay the fuck away from me. Isn’t that fair? Forgiveness to me doesn’t mean, “Ok I forgive you now we can be friends.” It means I don’t even think about what you’ve done anymore because I don’t think about you and I don’t care about you. This is tough for the narcissist to deal with for they hate being ignored and not being adored!

I’m only human, but if I want to look at it like that then it means I have to admit that he too is only human.

So many countless times that guy did a million things wrong and always used blame, shame and gaslighting to get out from under himself. And he had the audacity to say he did nothing wrong.

Him, I could cut off and not care about. Like I don’t even think twice. That’s for safety reasons. We can’t be all “love and light” and accept abuse at the same time.

Emotional and mental abuse is insidious. You can’t physically see the bruises, but they’re there.

That’s where shit gets sticky. Like since I practice yoga I’m supposed to be working towards “enlightenment” and being an all peaceful being.

But let me present something totally radical- I don’t want to be enlightened. To me, being enlightened means you have transcended all human experience. Anyone who has kids and has to pay bills knows that’s not possible. I can’t be a monk in the Himalayas forsaking the life I’ve created. The life I’ve created has turmoil and drama and shit that goes wrong. Things come up that I don’t expect. I allow people to hurt me and I hurt others. I learn and I move forward as best I can, with the baggage I chose to take with me while operating from the limited tool belt I’ve had handed to me, adding and subtracting tools as I go. We all do this. It’s called doing the best we can.

Like lately people have been working my last nerves. I think they’re egoic, or taking advantage of me, or judging me and my choices and I get so burnt up inside. I feel the fire in my belly and I want to shout back, “hey fuck you!”

Ya, the yoga teacher and childcare provider wants to say fuck you to toxic and sick people.

I have to take a look at myself and ask, where is this coming from? Is this coming from me? Like Byron Katie talks about in the work, “Is it true? Can you absolutely know it’s true?” What else could it be?

So this whole “we are one” movement I feel is misinterpreted. I feel like yes, we are all the same in that we’re human. We all suffer from the human condition in that we all have our own shit we need to work out, but that doesn’t mean that we have to lack boundaries. I firmly believe if someone hurts us, fuck them. At all costs, if we need to protect our energy by not allowing them into our personal space, that’s our business. We don’t need to be judged for it or to judge ourselves for it.

Even the psychopathic narcissistic abuser has their shit to work through, they just need to see it first. Those are the people I have to protect myself from. I don’t need to allow that toxic energy into my life, I’m only human and sometimes I can’t filter out the bullshit people fling my way quick enough.

Maybe that’s just me though.

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