These downloads don’t have to come out of a silent seated blissful meditation. In fact, most ah-ha! moments are born out of ordinary, daily experiences in life. A conversation with a friend or acquaintance, for example, can shine a light on an issue we’ve been having with ourselves and serve as a mirror to reflect back something we’ve been denying or not wanting to deal with.
I’ve been pulling a tarot card every day for about the past week or two after a morning yoga practice and meditation, and the cards have started becoming more and more spot on. My question yesterday was how I could connect more and start having conversations with my family, and I pulled the 2 of cups, upright, which has everything to do with love, harmony and relationships. I was messaging with someone on Facebook in a similar situation in life and it just came to me, how to have a difficult conversation with my husband that I have been wanting to have for probably a year. I knew exactly what to say and how to say it, and more importantly how to be drop the fear of being vulnerable enough to show where eI myself had been fucking up and how much my own inflicting of pain on my family was hurting me.
That is not an easy pill to swallow, but it had to be done.
Today I asked how I can start manifesting things in my life that I don’t even know exist. I was thinking back to when I was living with my mom after my divorce years ago and how miserable I was, and I remember getting a spark one day form seemingly nowhere and I just said to myself, “I don’t know how I’m going to do it, I don’t know how I’m going to get the money for it, but I am moving out by the end of the year.” This was summer of 2009. I moved into my own place in November that year.
How? I just set my mind to it and things started aligning. I didn’t create a vision board and just look at it, I had to feel it and feel what it felt like to be on my own, paying my own bills, and free from under my parent’s thumb (I was like 26, it felt like a ridiculous situation). I had to remove myself form a disempowered place into an empowered place. From there, things just started aligning for me and falling into place. People started showing up who helped me on the way. A girl from work connected me to her mom who managed some low- income apartments in Cameron park and they bumped me on the wait list and I was in.
But I had to pay attention. That is meditation off the mat (or meditation seat).
The universe or spirit or God or whatever you choose to call it will throw things your way, but if you aren’t aligned with it, you won’t see it. This is the work my friends and believe me it is work to trust in the process and the journey (so cliched I know) and to more importantly trust in yourself that you can attain what you need.
So, I have literally no idea what to ask for. One big thing coming up is my professional life. I do love my kids and working from home for the most part, but this isn’t my calling. It’s serving me, and my clients, for right now, but I don’t know that this will fill me up for life. So, I just asked a broad set of questions on how I can even get to that question that I want to ask.
I wrote my question down first, and I did my kriya set for my 21 day sadhana first, and then meditated and held the cards to my heart, shuffled and spread them out. What I do is lay my left hand over my heart and let my right hand graze over the cards until I feel pulled to one.
Today I pulled the Ace of Cups, and I immediately knew I had drawn the right card.
The Ace of Cups, pictured, spoke immediately to the divine source reaching out to me and handing me a cup, symbolic of abundance. I read up and found that the card also represents trusting your own intuition represented by the rays coming from off the hand, and to let your heart guide you. Lately, I’ve been guided by my head and my ego, so this was a major breakthrough.
The streams of water coming from the cup represent the 5 senses and the abundance and power of spiritual energy that arise from each of them. The dove diving into the cup with the disc in it’s mouth represents incarnation of the spirit realm into our material realm nd the lotus blossoms on the sea are symbolic of awakening of the human spirit.
I interpret this card to be the spirit realm offering me this cup of trust, love, compassion and abundance so that I can evolve and share these gifts with others. It obviously didn’t give me a specific job to do in my life, but it is telling me that I am on the right path and that I should trust this instead of doing my usual poo-pooing and ego talk. My ego is usually the one telling me, “Oh but remember Erica, you’re still and at this person for this and that person for that. And don’t forget you didn’t get grades that were that good in your prerequisite classes for nursing so that’s why you’ll never be a good nurse. And don’t forget also that you were really mean to this person and that person and now you wanna be nice? Now you wanna be compassionate? Just forget it. Give up. You may as well quit.”
Look, the fucking ego is not going away. And its important. Our egos aren’t evil, they just want to protect us, and a lot of what they say comes from past experiences and social conditioning. We need them because there are some people who serve as energy vampires and I have been hurt quite a bit in the past by people. I have also been an energy vampire and hurt people myself. But we can’t listen to this negative Nancy all the time. Sometimes we have to quiet her out and listen to what’s going on in our heart space.
We’re all learning as we go in life, and hopefully working towards evolving ourselves into better people. I hate the trendy and I hate the cliché, so I almost want to smack myself for saying this, but yoga saved me, and continues to do so. I question it the whole way through, but the past decade of practicing and learning has increased my sensitivity and awareness so much. Am I perfect? Fuck no. Do I try to be perfect? Not at all. Perfection should never be a goal in life. In fact, trying to have a perfectly clean house and perfectly behaved children was making me violent because as one of my teachers said so perfectly this weekend at a kriya intensive I attended, “Expectation is violence.” When we expect others, and even ourselves, to be something they or we aren’t, we are inflicting violence on them and ourselves. How fucking simple and profound is that, all at the same time?
This kriya work combined with my simple Tarot card drawings in the morning have been having a profound affect on my psyche BUT, and this is a BIG BUT, I have to enjoy this effect WITHOUT ATTACHMENT. If I start having troubles in life, as I inevitably will, then I’ll start blaming the practice and not trusting it again and I’ll thrust myself back down the negative road of listing to every criticism that comes from my ego instead of trusting that the road blocks and bad moods are also a part of life and they too will pass. That those “negative” moments actually serve as teachers if I really pay attention.
I hope that you too will start to pay attention to the divine downloads and follow what’s in your heart and not your head. If anything, at least we can have fun as we go. ❤